Assumptions About Survivors with Sarahi Gutierrez
Assumptions About Survivors with Sarahi Gutierrez
In this blog post, I’m talking with my colleague and good friend, Sarahi Gutierrez, about the 10 Assumptions of Survivors that I outlined in my previous blog.
I wanted to dive deeper into this topic, particularly with Sarahi, because she and I work together as DBT therapists. As I’ve said before, when outlining these assumptions, I wrote/created them based on principles and values that we hold in Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
I personally consider Sarahi quite the expert in DBT. She is so masterful at engaging in this intervention, so I wanted to get her insight into how these assumptions can shape how we engage with survivors in the world and in the community, how we can engage with ourselves, and why these are so important.
The word “assumption” can perhaps be a bit of a misnomer in the sense that we’re not assuming something inaccurate, but we’re choosing to enter this space holding knowledge that we already know is true about survivors so we can restore their power and support them more effectively.
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I asked Sarahi: In regards to my 10 assumptions, what do you think is useful about holding such assumptions when working with and as survivors?
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Sarahi’s response:
I think it starts us off on the same footing. The patient is not coming in to try to prove anything to the clinician or try to convince anybody of anything. It starts us off in a safe space. As survivors, having someone see us in our truth can be so healing, so holding these assumptions can be very reparative.
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I couldn’t agree more! There’s so much power in being witnessed without question, judgment, or someone trying to change you. Sarahi’s point sounds a lot like equanimity.
Coming in on an even footing where nobody is considered more knowledgeable or has more authority than the other person is vastly transformative. This is especially true when our effort is to restore power back to somebody who had it robbed of them.
There’s so much value to being seen as an equal contributor to a process.
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Sarahi:
I also want to echo the idea of checking our power as clinicians. We are not authority figures, and I think oftentimes, with our degrees and level of education, we have to keep that in check.
For survivors who have had their power taken from them, whether in childhood or adulthood, it can be so healing to come into a room and be respected as an authority figure in your own life.
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I would also like to add that part of checking our power as clinicians means respecting what people might assume about us. People walk into the room assuming a power dynamic exists, so to a certain extent, being respectful means acting professionally, ensuring the statements we make are truthful and evidence-based, and creating an environment of collaboration.
Respecting the authority that people assume we have is not authoritarian or wielding power over somebody. Interestingly, this assumed power dynamic can become a barrier for some individuals. When we talk with patients, they assume it’s a directive, so we have to be very mindful of our communication.
As a patient, you’re allowed to tell us no. You’re allowed to choose. This autonomy is really powerful, and we can always shape an individual’s treatment to look how they want it.
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Sarahi:
Hurt people hurt people. It’s paramount that we, as clinicians, continue our own work as well. This ties into assumption #10 of dismantling all systems of oppression in order to end sexual violence.
If we are not keeping our privileges in check, we could project things onto or make harmful statements. We must ask ourselves, are we coming in with the best intentions and keeping ourselves in check so we’re not passing it on?
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I would definitely label myself a wounded healer. Our wounds within ourselves enable us to be more effective healers. Sarahi is absolutely right that the work we’ve done on those wounds, the reparation, and the mindfulness of those wounds make us more effective healers.
It’s not just “having wounds” that make us great at it; it’s having healed wounds. Otherwise, we end up getting triggered, and our experiences and trauma become the priority when somebody has trusted us to hold theirs. That can be so damaging.
The wounded healer is somebody who is not only working to address their personal wounds but also addressing those in the community.
In addition to healing ourselves, we must also heal the world that created our wounds.
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Sarahi:
This conversation makes me think of a message I received recently: You are the medicine.
We see this in the research on how we speak to water or plants a certain way. The things we say and the way we say them are so important.
You are the medicine for yourself and your community. The ripple effect of doing the healing work for yourself is so immense.
The radical acceptance that I cannot change other people has been a huge part of my journey. I need to work on myself, which will ripple into my environment.
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In the past, whenever I would hear the statement, “We can’t change other people,” I would become enraged because it felt so spiritually bypass-y. But in changing my behavior, it’s not that I’m doing nothing; I’m simply using my zone of effectuality strategically.
When I hold direct and clear boundaries with somebody, how they then engage with me and the world changes so much more than if I’d focused on trying to get them to stop crossing boundaries.
People will stop crossing boundaries when you actually enforce them.
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Sarahi:
The assumption about how recovery can start at any time makes me think of a similar DBT assumption: even though I did not cause my own pain, I am the one to heal.
Recovery is always possible. Recovery can start at any time. Even if the world is not ready to change, I can recover.
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In my own recovery, and I know for a lot of my clients, this is a hard idea to grapple with. People frequently question why they’re the ones who have to take up the burden of healing, especially when we live in a world that will continue to perpetuate sexual violence.
Knowing that you are the only one who can repair the damage can be enraging, but it can also be empowering.
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Sarahi:
Transforming our rage can be so powerful!
One of the things that I’ve noticed is that in my rage and recovery, I’ve neglected huge parts of myself. When I look back at the trauma that all the women in my family have experienced, that rage turned into shame.
Part of my healing process has been to forgive myself. There’s a divine feminine, but there’s also a divine masculine within me. Though I may never forgive and forget those who have caused me harm, I can make peace with the masculine that lives in me.
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For many survivors, rage turned inward frequently turns into shame, guilt, and self-loathing. This can look like denying our experiences, internalized misogyny and gaslighting, and refusing or denying care that could be helpful for us.
That’s another part of why I included the assumption that recovery can start, end, and restart at any time. There’s kindness in giving yourself breaks.
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Sarahi:
With the rise of much misinformation and what we like to call the “Instagram healers,” there’s a huge focus on introspection, but when you’re already struggling with negative internal thoughts, shame, and guilt, there’s danger in constant introspection.
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There are definitely plenty of these “Instagram healers” who are doing excellent work and being very responsible and ethical in how they approach trauma, but then there are the ones who aren’t.
These irresponsible, self-proclaimed healers are teaching completely inaccurate and harmful information. For example, the excessive introspection and exaggerating pain points and then telling people to sit in them and do nothing. There’s so much research that proves sitting in your pain points, in fact, makes the matter worse.
A lot of individuals who ascribe to messages from certain online healers have resulted in increased levels of distress, anxiety, pain, and difficulty accessing effective support.
We have to be mindful and ethical about what information we put out there.
Sahari brings up a lot of really important questions around a well-balanced approach:
How do we build in more acceptance and change and the relationship between the two of those?
How do we move forward and give pause?
How do we know what’s ours and surrender to what’s not ours without paralyzing us around change?
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Sarahi:
Recovery is always possible. For me personally, I see a therapist, but spiritual work really helped me. I also got into boxing, which has helped me feel more empowered. Even something as simple as the Peloton instructor saying, “You can do it. I don’t feel sorry for you.” Because I don’t need people to feel sorry for me; I need them to see my courage.
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These many pieces of the recovery puzzle are different for each individual and are not mutually exclusive. They all play a specific role that sometimes only these specific components can play in our recovery.
If anything, recovery just gets better the more we add to it.
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Sarahi:
I would say that my main message here is that it does get better. I know it’s corny, but it’s true.
That’s why we have measures and research to make sure you are getting better. If you’re not, maybe it’s time to revisit certain goals or barriers.
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As DBT therapists, we hold an assumption that clients never “fail” treatment. It’s the therapy that failed them. This assumption was a huge paradigm shift for me.
In graduate school, we had so much messaging about how we shouldn’t work harder than our clients or that sometimes clients are resistant or unwilling to change. This puts us in a place of totally shirking responsibility, placing it on the client for their own healing and not seeing that healing and recovery work is pervasive and comprehensive.
How we engage in healing work is also a part of our healing work. We should expect that anytime somebody has had something happen to them or they have mental health issues, it affects all areas of their life, including how they approach therapy.
I love this paradigm shift because it took the shame and blame of not reaching goals off of the client and put it back on the treatment, which is where it should be.
If the client isn't reaching their goals, the treatment isn’t working. We need to make changes to the treatment.
We need to look at what needs to change about therapy at large. We also need to consider the possibility that the tools we have now are insufficient for people and continue developing them.
If things are not getting better, that is not your fault as the patient. That means things are not working, and you can bring that to the attention of your therapists. It’s okay to expect that system to respond by offering change on their part.
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Sarahi:
There’s an internalized gaslighting that survivors go through where they think, “Maybe it’s because I’m not trying hard enough. I’m too broken. My emotions are too big.” It’s never the survivor's fault.
Even as a therapist, when people tell me the simple sentence, “It’s not your fault,” it has such an impact every time. It’s so powerful to hear that no one is allowed to abuse you.
I believe that we are here not by accident. Respecting ourselves as if we are the divine beings we are and knowing it’s not our fault to be abused could have an immense impact.
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I asked Sarahi for any last offerings or if she wanted to speak on any of the assumptions specifically:
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Sarahi:
Something coming through immediately in this conversation is returning to assumption #1. All survivors are telling the truth.
To expand on that even further, you are truth.
For me, being initiated into being a survivor, I hid away in order to survive. There was something I lost because of that programming.
There were pictures of me before and after, and there was a clear spark I needed to come back to.
You are truth. Recovery is possible. You will come back to that spark. It is work; I’m not going to say that it’s easy, but it’s possible. It’s like when you’ve been holding your breath for so long, and you finally get that glorious deep breath. You can come back to your truth.
Society may not like it. Your family may not like it. Your abusers may not like it. The systems may not like it because they are a part of it.
Come back to the curious child inside you. Do what brings you joy. If that’s nothing right now, explore that. Come back to your truth.
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Thank you, Sarahi, for sharing all of your beautiful wisdom. She has such an admirable love for survivors.
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You can listen to this episode on my podcast, “Initiated Survivor.” The episode is titled “Assumptions About Survivors with Sarahi Gutierrez” and is available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify!
Thank you for reading. Until next time!
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