Coping with the Holidays: Skills and Self Care for Trauma Survivors
Coping with the Holidays: Skills and Self Care for Trauma Survivors
With the holiday season swiftly approaching, I'd like to dedicate a blog post to discussing this time of year and what it expects of us.
Whether or not you celebrate, and no matter what holidays or traditions you celebrate, our dominant culture promotes an idea of togetherness around this time of year.
Togetherness can be fun, joyful, and fulfilling for many people. Yet, for many others, the idea of coming together with certain friends and family can be triggering, isolating, distressing, and anxiety-provoking.
The messaging about connecting with community, family, cultural practices, and old behaviors floats around everyone, and it can be a challenging time of the year as we watch everyone around us having what is perceived to be a wonderful time.
To better equip those who struggle with this time of year, I want to share some concrete skills that may help get you through feeling less drained or even satisfied!
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Why are the holidays stressful?
Part of why the holidays are so stressful is the pressure around the holiday season is that any time our experience falls outside of what society tells us is “supposed” to be our experience, it can cause us pain and shame.
Naturally, we all hope for the warm, fuzzy feelings to hit us due to the constant media bombarding us during this season contributes to why the holidays are stressful. Media tells us that the spirit of the season means connecting to the relationships we cherish most and having a grand time summing up the year.
It’s also natural that this end-of-the-year symbolism urges us to look inward, reflect on the lessons and growth we’ve experienced, and spend more time indoors resting to prepare for the energizing new year.
This introspective shift, coupled with cultural pressures around traditions, connecting, celebrating, and attending frequent parties and events, can be a complex juxtaposition.
Thus, there is a need for skills to help us prepare for such challenges.
Below, I have outlined core skills to use whenever we think our sensitivity is high.
Radical Acceptance
Mindfulness
Self and Sensory Soothing
Boundaries with people, time, and content.
Sensitivity = more emotionally sensitive; our triggers might be more sensitive, or our response to triggers may be heightened.
The two skills of Radical Acceptance and Mindfulness should work in tandem with each other for optimal effectiveness.
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Radical Acceptance Exercises
You may have heard this term before floating around in other communities. Radical Acceptance is the idea of being in the present moment exactly as it is without judgment.
An essential detail of Radical Acceptance, and why it is so helpful, is that for us to move strategically through the world and make choices that reflect our values and goals, we must accept the world as it is.
Acceptance doesn’t mean we like or approve of the present moment, but we simply view it as it is. If we get stuck in our judgments or the “shoulds,” we’ll waste a lot of energy doing stuff that won’t work.
When discussing Radical Acceptance regarding the holiday season and being around certain family and friends, we must radically accept these people for who they are.
Frequently, in family structures, there’s this image in our mind of how our family should be or ought to be based on what we read about or see on TV and how we believe families should function.
Then there’s how our family actually is.
Oftentimes, the discrepancy between those two causes us a lot of tension.
Accepting people as they are doesn’t mean we stop giving them feedback or relax/remove our boundaries. It means we plan to cope effectively, according to who they are rather than who we think they should be, instead of operating as if this year will somehow be different.
This notion is why preparing a plan for coping must begin with Radical Acceptance. We must accept that people will be who they’ve always been.
When people connect with their families, they tend to regress. We frequently return to ages when we may have struggled, conflicted with family, or played specific roles.
Family systems have a lot of compelling psychological systems. These systems repeatedly pull us back into a role that maybe we haven't played in years, or perhaps we’ve worked hard to move past, but being back in the dynamic where everyone else is playing their roles, we can get pulled into playing ours.
When we radically accept reality, we can plan ahead and cope more effectively instead of focusing on trying to change the situation.
Another piece of the puzzle we should learn to accept radically is how this season makes us feel. We may go into this time of year with many hopes that it will be positive. With the pressure from the media and those around us feeling festive, we want to share that feeling, but we know that typically, this time of year feels difficult.
There may also be some patterns in our family dynamic that are harmful or abusive that we should avoid. Maybe a trauma happened around this time of year, or a painful anniversary is coming.
We can effectively move forward by radically accepting that the holidays are hard for you or that this time isn't all about joy and celebration.
Instinctually, this time of year is when we’re getting ready to hibernate and go into a season of rest and introspection. Our bodies feel this. Accepting that and possibly leaning into that can be advantageous.
Radical Acceptance means holding a nonjudgmental position while voicing our concerns and maintaining boundaries.
Some quick ways that we practice Radical Acceptance can be:
Seeing the facts as they are and repeating those out loud to ourselves.
Acting as if we have already accepted a situation - Maybe there’s a truth that is hard for you to receive, but you accept that you haven’t accepted that truth yet.
Asking yourself, “What would it look like if I accepted this truth?” Then, you can move forward with your answer.
We should approach acceptance with loads of compassion and nurturance and understand that we are someone we care very much for and want to treat kindly.
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Mindfulness for the Holidays
Mindfulness for the holidays are activities that center or ground us during the stress of the holidays.
We want to practice mindfulness for the holidays daily, whether for two minutes, only for one deep breath, or a formal 20-minute practice; all of these will work.
Ideally, we’re working towards having mindful moments every day during the holidays, especially when our emotional sensitivities or emotional needs might be high.
Some people practice mindfulness and find it creates a sense of peacefulness or helps them feel generally better. During these practices, we often sit in a space of peace and tranquility, which can feel great.
On the other hand, mindfulness is all about gathering our attention and focus and deliberately putting it in the present moment on purpose.
When we intentionally focus on the present moment, we release the stress on past things.
It is important to note that mindfulness is a muscle. We perform exercises to strengthen our bodies and better our overall health. Mindfulness is very similar in that the more we engage in these practices, the stronger this muscle becomes so that at any moment, we can pause and pay attention to what’s happening.
Mindfulness helps us gauge what’s going on internally and externally with ourselves so that we can act strategically.
Another aspect of mindfulness that is very important is the ability to hold a mindful stance while watching things like emotions, body sensations, and thoughts come and go.
A mindful stance during the holidays allows us to continue without becoming too attached to feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc. This skill can be valuable when dealing with certain relationships and family members that trigger old behavior patterns.
Having this stance when planning what you need to care for yourself can also be beneficial. Not all situations are predictable, so we want to be as prepared as possible. The best way to do that is by practicing mindfulness before the event or engaging with these people.
How to check in RIGHT before the event you’re preparing for:
Pause and breathe.
Notice sounds around you.
Feel your feet on the ground.
Gauge any body sensations you may be experiencing.
Notice what your thoughts are doing.
Notice what emotions you’re feeling.
After this assessment, plan what skills you want to employ.
Self Soothing Skills
Something I often suggest to my clients is having self-soothing skills and items on your person.
Some examples of self-soothing skills include:
A stress ball.
A piece of jewelry you can fidget with.
Wearing a scarf that’s soft and brings you comfort.
Wearing a specific perfume that brings you comfort.
Bringing a friend that you can check in with regularly.
You can use an anchor throughout the event to check in with yourself. An anchor can be as simple as clenching your fists, feeling your feet on the ground, or taking a deep breath.
These small actions cue your mind to pause and return to the present moment.
Ultimately, Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance as core skills help us be strategic around any experience.
Radical Acceptance helps us get the lay of the land; Mindfulness helps us be adaptive.
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Holiday Boundaries
I couldn’t talk about the holiday season without touching on the topic of holiday boundaries. Holiday boundaries are paramount when discussing family dynamics!
Holiday boundaries are the ways in which we engage in relationships safely and effectively. It is how we protect our space and energy and navigate complicated relationships with others.
Holiday boundaries can be topics you are/are not willing to talk about, things you are/are not willing to do, or people you are/are not willing to see.
Some potential holiday boundaries to consider during this time:
People:
Many people believe that because you are family, you should be okay with everyone else in your family, or at least suck it up and be cordial with those individuals.
There is a cultural conditioning that tends to, especially in abusive families, silence victims of abuse and put the responsibility to manage and accommodate the perpetrator’s behavior on victims and survivors. No one seems to call out the perpetrator, and they seemingly get to do whatever they want. The victim is then supposed to cope with their negative feelings without “ruining” the holidays or making it awkward for everyone.
This mindset contributes to reinforcing ongoing systems of abuse going down through generations. We don’t call out the abusers. We don’t separate abusers from the rest of the family or tell them they need to fix what happened and get support. Instead, we continue to expose vulnerable family members to them, and the abuse continues.
If there are people in your family you don't want to see, find out if they are going to events, communicate with people you don't want to see them, and don’t go to events that you know those people will be at. Planning other events or activities during those times might be helpful to enforce your boundaries.
It is imperative to enforce boundaries. When we don’t follow through boundaries, we communicate that we’ll bend or that they aren't a big deal. When we set boundaries, people need to honor and respect them, but we also need to enforce them.
Time:
There will always be times when we feel a lot of energy. We might feel like we have a lot of time to give, but other times, we may feel like keeping that time to ourselves. Thinking ahead for the holidays, consider how you want your time spent.
Time goes hand in hand with energy. Both time and energy are finite resources. How do you want to spend them?
Consider and prioritize the people who are worth your time and energy. Think about the activities and people that come secondary in your mind. Be prepared to say no to them.
When it comes to activities during this time of year - when we might feel more restful or emotionally sensitive - we will spend much of our time and energy caring for these needs.
Think about what truly matters to you. What is life-giving to you? What ISN’T life-giving to you? Your answers might be different than other people’s, and that’s okay! The important part about boundaries is honoring what is true for you, communicating that to the people who need to know, and enforcing them.
Content:
When we’re emotionally sensitive or triggered, there might be specific topics you can’t address. Consider what topics you're on board with discussing, topics you’re indifferent about discussing, and topics that are your deal-breakers.
You can practice telling people you don’t want to discuss these topics by trying it out with a friend, a wall, a family member, or a therapist.
A boundary around content can be so valuable! Not only does it protect you in that you’re not going to get overly triggered, it helps other people learn how to relate to and connect with you.
More often than not, people do not want to say hurtful, harmful, or triggering things. They want to connect and get closer to us. There will always be those who enjoy getting a rise out of people, but for those who wish to connect, it does help us to say no to particular topics so they don’t go down that alley.
It can be unnerving to tell somebody that something they're doing is harmful or that you don’t like it, but the more you practice setting and enforcing holiday boundaries, the easier it becomes.
Knowing what we do and don’t need can be a very empowering experience, but there will always be times when we don’t know what we need. This is where mindfulness is helpful because our senses and emotions tell us what boundaries to create and when a holiday boundary gets crossed.
One thing to remember is that there will always be people who won’t respect our boundaries. Be prepared for this and know it is okay to leave that conversation, that event, or even that relationship.
We can’t control other people’s behaviors, but we can control our own.
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Relationship Rupture and Repair
Something to keep in mind through this time of year is that spending time with family frequently means getting into perpetual fights. Usually, these are arguments that have gone unresolved, and we’ve built some resentment around them, or we’ve chosen not to resolve them simply by not addressing them.
We may behave in ways, engage in fights, or say things out of frustration that we’re not proud of. Remember, we can always repair ruptures in our relationships, and we can always do that later if we need to.
You don’t have to pressure yourself to survive the holidays AND be on your best behavior. It’s okay to permit yourself to revisit conversations later once you’ve had a chance to decompress.
It’s important to give yourself unconditional permission to take time to meet your needs. Your needs AND wants are valid and worthy of your attention. You are the only person who will genuinely look out for you, and you will be your best ally and advocate.
Many people travel during this time of year instead of visiting home. Some people take the time to relax without being overly busy.
This time of year is whatever feels right to you.
One of the most self-validating things is identifying how we truly want things to go, our needs, and how to follow through with them.
Ensure you’re also connecting with supportive contacts during this time of year - friends, therapists, counselors, support groups, and anyone who knows what it means to be a survivor.
Connect with them even if you’re just observing. Sometimes, watching or offering support to other people can be very validating and helpful for us.
Even if you don’t think you need tons of support, many people are willing and ready to be there for you and hold space for you. It doesn’t matter how mundane you think your situation is; people want to be there for you.
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The key takeaway from this blog is that the holidays are whatever you want them to be. Connect with the relationships that mean the most to you rather than trying to please every person. Take part in the activities and cultural practices that bring you joy, and avoid those that induce anxiety.
Return to your values if you’re having difficulty determining what is meaningful. Your values can be vague, but they're a great starting point for creating goals!
I hope the skills I’ve outlined can help some of you during this upcoming season. When in doubt, always come back to Radical Acceptance and Mindfulness practices.
They will help guide your path.
You can listen to this episode on my Podcast, “Initiated Survivor.” The episode is titled “Holiday Survival Skills” and is available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify!
Until next time!
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